An Open Letter to Black Women from Black Men

BLACK WOMEN:

WE RECOGNIZE (THOUGH NOT AS MUCH AS WE SHOULD) YOUR IMPORTANCE TO US, OUR FAMILIES, ORGANIZATIONS AND COMMUNITIES.WE ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOUR TRUE BEAUTY RESIDES IN YOUR PERSONALITY, CHARACTER, RESOURCEFULNESS, INTELLIGENCE AND LOVING SPIRITS.

BUT WE CAN’T FRONT; WE ARE PHYSICAL CREATURES WITH SENSES. AS SUCH, WE WILLINGLY ADMIT THAT YOUR SMILE, EYES, COMPLEXION, AND PHYSIQUES, OFTEN LEAVE US HYPNOTIZED, NERVOUS, ANXIOUS, AND IN COMPLETE AWE. WHEN WE REACT TO OR COMMENT ON YOUR PHYSICAL BEAUTY IN A RUDE OR INSENSITIVE MANNER, IT OFTEN STEMS FROM HOW WE WERE TAUGHT TO REACT BY UNEVOLVED MEN, BY POSITIVE RESPONSES FROM UNEVOLVED WOMEN, OR FROM A LIMITED AND NEGATIVE PERCEPTION OF YOU.

BUT REGARDLESS OF ANY EXPLANATION OF OUR INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR, WE HAVE NO RIGHT TO DISMISS OR DEVALUE OR DEGRADE YOU. WE LOVE AND VALUE OUR OWN MOTHERS OR DAUGHTERS. WE OFTEN FORGET THAT YOU ARE SOMEONE’S DAUGHTERS AND POSSIBLY SOMEONE’S MOTHERS. EVEN IN MOMENTS WHEN YOU ARE DISRESPECTFUL OR MALICIOUS, WE SHOULD CORRECT, DISENGAGE, OR RESPOND TO YOU IN WAYS THAT DE-ESCALATE, AND DO NOT PROMOTE SAID BEHAVIOR.

WE SHOULD SHARE RESPONSIBILITIES, RAISE AND EMPOWER OUR CHILDREN, MAKE YOUR BURDENS LIGHTER, AND BE YOUR WILLING PARTNERS- OUTSIDE OF THE BEDROOM AS WELL. AND IF WE DETERMINE WE ARE UNABLE OR UNWILLING TO DO THESE THINGS, IF WE DETERMINE THAT ARE FEELINGS HAVE CHANGED, WE SHOULD COMMUNICATE THIS TO YOU IMMEDIATELY, HONESTLY, AND WITHOUT INSULT SO THAT YOU ARE FREE TO GO FORWARD - BRUISED TEMPORARILY PERHAPS - BUT UNBROKEN, AND SO THAT WE CAN DO THE SAME.

WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THE ISSUES YOU RAISE WITH US ARE NOT ALL INACCURATE OR INVALID; THERE ARE ELEMENTS OF TRUTH IN YOUR GRIEVANCES. AND AT THE SAME, WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WE HAVE GRIEVANCES AS WELL, WHICH DESERVE YOUR SINCERE ATTENTION AND VALIDATION.

WHETHER WE ACKNOWLEDGE IT OR NOT, YOU RESERVE THE RIGHT TO CALL US OUT ON OUR BULLSHIT, SAY NO, EXPRESS YOUR OPINIONS EVEN WHEN THEY CONFLICT WITH OURS, DEMAND OUR LOYALTY, HONESTY AND COMMITMENT, AND HELP US TO RECOGNIZE OUR OWN BLIND SPOTS AND SELF-DEFEATING WAYS.

WE KNOW THAT IN SO MANY INSTANCES, YOU WERE THERE FOR US AND OUR COMMUNITY WHEN SOME OF OUR BRETHREN FELL VICTIM TO DRUG ADDICTION, INCARCERATION, MENTAL ILLNESS, AND OTHER SOCIETALLY INDUCED PROBLEMS.WE RECOGNIZE THAT DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCES OUT OF YOUR CONTROL, FAR TOO MANY OF YOU HAVE BEEN TRAUMATIZED THROUGH SEXUAL ABUSE, ABANDONMENT, AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, OFTEN AT THE HANDS OF THOSE ENTRUSTED TO LOVE, EMPOWER AND PROTECT YOU. WE UNDERSTAND THAT SOME OF YOU – LIKE WE MEN – ENDURED VARIOUS FORMS OF SOCIETAL AND PERSON TRAUMA WITHOUT THE BENEFIT OF ADEQUATE SUPPORT SYSTEMS.

WE ALSO UNDERSTAND THAT TO THE EXTENT THAT WE IDENTIFY UNRESOLVED ISSUES WITH YOU, WE UNCONSCIOUSLY IDENTIFY UNRESOLVED ISSUES WITH OURSELVES. SINCE WE ALL NEED HEALING, THE LOGICAL STEPS TOWARD SUCH HEALING INVOLVE EMPATHY AND COMPASSION RATHER THAN DEFENSIVENESS, SCAPEGOATING, AND SHAMING.

BELIEVE THIS OR NOT, SOME OF US ARE WORKING HARD (SOMETIMES INEFFECTIVELY) TO BE BETTER AND DO BETTER. WE ARE FIGHTING THROUGH OUR OWN ARROGANCE AND MACHISMO TO BE MORE EMPATHETIC, MATURE AND LOVING IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOU. THIS IS NOT EASY, BUT YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY DESERVING OF IT.

PLEASE FORGIVE US FOR OUR LACK OF EMPATHY, BEING JUDGEMENTAL, OUR OWN CONTRADICTIONS, AND FOR PLACING OUR EGO BEFORE OUR RELATIONSHIPS, FAMILIES AND COMMUNITIES. THROUGH YOUR ANGER AND PAIN, PLEASE TRY TO SEE THE BEAUTY AND LOVE IN US AS WE DO THE SAME. WE WILL ONLY RISE TOGETHER. AND WE WILL ONLY RISE THROUGH STRUGGLE, PATIENCE AND THE COURAGE TO IDENTIFY AND CONQUER OUR INTERNAL DEMONS, REGRETS AND FRUSTRATIONS.

WE LOVE YOU, ALTHOUGH NOT ALWAYS IN THE WAYS YOU NEED OR DESERVE. WE KNOW THAT LIQUOR, NARCOTICS, LICENTIOUSNESS, INDIFFERENCE, CALLOUSNESS, DISHONESTY, FINGER-POINTING AND DEFENSIVENESS, AND ABANDONING YOU FOR WOMEN OUTSIDE OF OUR FAMILY – CANNOT AND WILL NEVER SUBSTITUTE FOR PATIENTLY CULTIVATING LOVING, HONEST, COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOU.

WE CANNOT EMPOWER THE BLACK COMMUNITY WHILE DISEMPOWERING, DISMISSING OR DEVALUING YOU. MAY GOD AND THE ANCESTORS BLESS AND GUIDE US ALL….YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW THAT MANY OF THE DIFFICULTIES WE BRING TO YOU STEM FROM BEING SCARED OF COMMITMENT AND ALL IT ENTAILS, FROM NOT WANTING TO BE VULNERABLE, FROM PAST EXPERIENCES OF TRAUMA, POOR HOME TRAINING, FEELINGS OF ENTITLEMENT, MISOGYNIST THINKING, NEGATIVE MALE PEER PRESSURE, FEELINGS OF INSECURITY AND INADEQUACY, A DISTURBING NEED TO BE IN “CONTROL,” AND/OR A LACK OF DISCIPLINE.

WE KNOW THAT ALL-TOO-OFTEN THE ANGER AND RESENTMENT WE FEEL TOWARD POLICE, OUR PARENTS, OUR JOBS, MISSED OPPORTUNITIES AND WHITE SUPREMACY, WE DIRECT AGAINST YOU. THIS IS BOTH UNACCEPTABLE AND UNFAIR. WE ARE GOOD AT CALLING YOU OUT, OR ASKING YOU TO EMPATHIZE WITH OUR STRUGGLE AND PAIN. BUT WE FALL DREADFULLY SHORT OF WANTING FOR YOU WHAT WE WANT FOR OURSELVES.

LOVE ALWAYS,

UNDERACHIEVERS

FINGER-POINTERS

ABSENTEE FATHERS

LIARS

MISOGYNISTS

NARCISSISTS

PUT-DOWN ARTISTS

HYPOCRITES

MISLEADERS

CHEATERS

KNOW-IT-ALLS